Brave, I Am Not
by What-Happens
Summary: This is a story about a very unfortunate boy. A boy who struggles. Constantly. As you walk through the life of Severus Snape you see the bonds he makes, the fails he endures, the pain, and the love. However, you see the will to survive. SSxLM slight-SSxL


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Disclaimer: I own nothing except for the plot. J.K. Rowling owns everything all the characters. This is rated T, I dont plan on changing the rating but for certain chapters if I do, I will make sure it is notified in the disclaimer.

It was like black liquor, silky as a ribbon and forbidden to the young. One could simply stare and drink [with your eyes] the silk and [with you lips] the swill that sat in front of you. But this drink was not water, it was not medicine, it was not anything that could be drank. But poison it was not. It was simply an imaginary drink, it was not existent.

How long are his fingers and how pale do they seem? White as snow in an ice cave, the light he sees little of, but why is it so intriguing? They stretch long, skinny-like, but gentle in their maladroit ways. And what if that black liquor touched his pale hand? Should he become stained with that darkness?

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Chapter One

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The Question of Why.

Behinds these walls lies a great depth of character, you can see that its true. Its evident in the vines that run accordingly to the cracks in the plaster walls. In the deep Black Lake that reflects all the stars at night and all the suns rays in the morning. In the maple tree that continuously grows, higher and higher it reaches to the heavens, but never manages to see the rapture in full view. But now, as the walls lie still, there is a sense of lulled screams of clamor. And the departed that have repentantly been missed. And loosing the departed stops the blood flow of the house, the fluids stops running through the veins [the _vines_] and the eyes of the Lake never blink back at the night skies and all the tree wants to do it to sink back into the earth to meet the eyes of hell spitting back in full fury. But with this beautiful house that stands before the world, of all of England, why is this house so dead?

But what of this hell? What of this heaven? What of this house? This Mansion? The great capacity of all question! What lies behind closed door and what occurs within them? However, the details of the complexity of this house were never fully explained. The black gate twists and turns with its grey metal engraved, symmetrically they compare. Miles and miles the gate ran around a gigantic circle enclosing its kingdom inside. Open the gate and one would find absolutely nothing. A long winding dirt road and a dense forest that stretches far beyond anyone could imagine, is all one would see. But the creatures and trees and bushes alike never seem to stop anyone from moving forward. Up to a hill and then down that, there comes a fork in the road and beautifully [yet uniquely] decorated it was. A rock [a stone rather] with beveled writing appears in English, French, and Dutch all reading the same thing in their own language:

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It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.

Producing the two paths [beyond the rock] was a lake, but it stretched so long it seemed like a river. One of the paths will send you straight to the house while the other path will lead you to another fork in the road and either road will lead you to another fork in the road. One would go through several junctions [five or six, all with a substantial amount of distance form the other] and would finally arrive at a dead end. Confused and lost, one could travel beyond the paths into the woods, yet everything in the woods looks exactly alike, it would be hard to determine where you are and where youve gone.

Following the correct path, after approximately two miles the forest would simply stop and a clearing was formed. The dirt road would turn to a cobbled stoned road, one would realize that they were on top of a hill and looking down they could see the mansion, they could see the vines and the tree and the Black Lake that was off to the right of the house [or left from the front view]. Behind the house was a garden, intricate, but unlike all the others. It did not have a symmetrical appearance, but it seemed to tell a story from left to right, just like a book. On the left, there were hedges, like stairs from the highest to lowest they climbed. In the center of the garden there were stones, starting like a circle and then spreading like a sun in different directions. In the center of the stone pattern was the great maple tree with roots that disfigured the pattern of the tan stones over time. The grass was nearly yellow, it looked sickly, but next to the tan stone it looked as healthy as ever. There were random scattered bushes that were perfectly circular of different sizes, and different flowers around those bushes, colors of blues and purples. On the far right there were rose bushes, but they seemed to be larger then some would imagine.

Why just stand there boy? Looking at the gate for so long but never managing to come in? Standing in front of the gate was a boy, but with a mind that stood out from the others; a mind that was more a man than a boy. Staring back at the old man he realized he had been standing their for a long time deliberating what to do, how and why.

"Ya know, boy, perhaps you shouldnt go through this gate, if you have any doubts, turn round," The man with his cane wobbled over. Looking down at the man he looked him over, nothing detailed, he was simply an old man who was horribly dressed with a friendly simile.

"Why should I... 'turn 'round'?" The pale boy mocked the elder. The man grimaced and narrowed his eyes.

"Well if ya took the cotton outta your ears you wouldve heard me said, if you had any doubts ....turn round," For a man that looked like he was about to drop dead any second his eyes were burning with such ferocity it made the pale boy, if possible, become paler.

"My apologizes, sir," The boy looked back at the gates.

"Damn straights, 'your apologizes,'" The boy looked back at the man, You better watch your tongue, you never know who you could be messing with, he paused, "Say, whats a young man like you hanging about a place like this all on your lonesome?" The boys eyes flickered.

"Im a friend of the Malfoys."

"Then why are you so scared to go it?"

"Im not--!" The boy said defensively, "Im-Im not...sure if theyre home, it would be rude to barge in without them being there The he added, No to mention without an appointment."

"You need to set up an appointment with friends?"

"Why dont you shove off, old man?!" _Who does he think he is, questioning my relations with the Malfoys, of course theyre my friends!they have to bethey are, they most certainly are..he said he cared about me, didnt he?.did he?_, "What makes you think you can question me? You dont know me, you dont even know my name!" He paused, biting his lip, "I bet youre just a lowly half-breed," _Like me_. He scoffed, "You dont deserve my time," The boy opened the gate and slammed it behind him, not daring to turn back.

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Why did I just do that?

He thought_ the man did virtually nothing to me_ he scoffed, yet again, as if making such a noise made him seem more superior, _then again, why the hell should I care?_ And with that, any guilt that he was just feeling just vanished away, as per usual. He took out a cigarette and took a drag.

He didnt get to the entrance of the Malfoy Manor until three house later, it was quite a walk. When he reached the house he was sweaty and rather tired. Looking at the setting sun it had to be around four oclock. Another bitterly cold winter as he saw grey and big snow clouds forming above him. Looking at the grand architect before him, he rubbed his face and ran a slender hand threw his black hair. He stepped up to the large front doors and knocked. Wait for a brief moment the doors opened but not the way he had thought it would. One of the large doors opened but it was a regular sized door cut into the large door. The butler smiled at the boy who looked surprised and enchanted, even realizing there was a door within a door.

"Now, who might you be?"

"My name is Severus Snape ....err....I know Im coming unannounced, but, if you would just allow me an audience with Lucius Malfoy, I doubt it would matter," The boy sounded very child-like, very shaky and uneasy with the situation, especially considering he hadnt got through puberty yet. The butler frowned.

"Im terribly sorry young man, but if you dont have an appointment, I cant help you out," The butler seemed empathic nonetheless, Good-day, to you, He started to close the door.

"Sir--please, I--" He opened the slightly, "I have no where else to go....please," The butler sighed.

"Very well, but if this comes out of my paycheck, I swear," The butler looked serious and pointed a finger at the boy which made Severus tense up slightly, but then the butler winked, "I jest, c'mon in."

Severus mumbled a thanks and walk into one of the most breath taking houses he has ever seen. Looking around there was a marble floor and gold lining molding. There was a fountain inside of gray marble cherubs that complemented with marble on the floor. The fountain was in between the two staircases that came as one on the top. It was a long hallway before one could get to the staircase there was a long green velvet carpet the led to the staircase and then split in two to form among the stairs. There was window perfectly spaced [the largest and clearest windows Severus had seen] with the same green matching curtains that seemed to be made of silk. In between the windows were pictures of relatives, equal seize to the windows. There were candles spaced out elegantly in golden candle holders and above there heads were two chandlers one spaced out after the other.

"I take it youve never been here before, Mr. Snape," Severus looked at the butler, slightly beaming, for Severus was sure that the more beautiful place in the world was Hogwarts, until now.

"No, sir, I havent." There was a brief pause.

"Come, I'll show you to the parlor room while I fetch Young Master Malfoy for you."

This room was just as--if not more--beautiful then the foyer. This room was donned in white, push carpets and sofas and pillows the coffee table was what Severus thought was the most beautiful item in this room. The table was glass--shattered glass to be accurate, it was as if a hammer was taken to it and smashed and then put back together again. Cracks of the glass ran this way and that a sort of organized chaos. On top of the table was a vase filled with bright red roses. White swags hung from the windows, it was as if this room was the inside of a cloud.

"Young Master Malfoy will be here shortly, make yourself comfortable," The butler bowed and exited the room. Severus sighed leaned back on the soft furniture and closed his eyes. He wanted to fall asleep right there. He didnt know how this was going to gooh why did he lie to Lucius countless time? He sat up and put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. _How many lies?_ He thought, he was sure that there wasnt too many, but they were all very bad. The first lie was that he was a purebloodthe second was that he lived _happily _with his aunt and uncle in a _luxuriously grand mansion_he scoffed, _what a joke_. That was pretty much it, but he never acted like himself around Lucius, he made his companion believe that he was just as brave and confident as he was, when in fact he was just a cowardly lion. The Marauders were certainly no helpits only his second year at Hogwarts and theyve already caused him a lifetime of pain.

"Well, well," Severus lifted his head and gasped slightly, "I didnt except to see you," Lucius long golden hair was loosely tided in a low ponytail, he was wearing formal evening wear, very classy, and very black with crisp white tie. Lucius narrowed his eyes, "Why didnt you call before coming? I would have had Sir Dietrich wait by the gate with carriage to bring you down here, its such a long walk, surely you must be tired?" And yet with such words of concern his silver eyes were so cold.

"I've walked farther," Severus cleared his throat, "I-Iwe need to talk, there something--"

"--What in Salazars name are you wearing?" Severus couldnt help but smile slightly, of course Lucius would say something like that, "One shouldnt dress like a mudblood when attending the Malfoy Manor.......especially unannounced," Severus blushed and looked at his outfit, worn out sneakers, ripped jeans and a dirty white-tee shirt.

"Err....I-I apologize," He looked at his feet, "please sit down," Lucius hesitated, but then sat down, "I need to ask you a favorbut before I do...I-I have to tell you the truth,...about me," Lucius started perfectly still, his emotion, unreadable. Severus took a deep breath, "I'm not who you think I am...I mean, I am Severus Snape...but," Another long paused, "I'm not a pureblood...and," Severus looked up at Lucius and then back down at his shoes, "a half-blood," He didnt want Lucius thinking that he was a mudblood, "And, I dont live in a fancy house.....I live in a rundown..... _slum.... _a mere _shack... _with my cousin." Lucius didnt say anything, he just continued staring. "Please say something, Im sorry I lied to you, I just wanted you to like me, I just wanted to have a friend, I didnt mean any harm, I swear!" The last word hung dead in the air.

"What is the favor you want from me?" Was all Malfoy said. Severus was shocked.

"You're still willing to do me a favor, after I--"

"Shut up!" Lucius said slightly frustrated, "What is the favor you want from me?"

"Well I suppose the favor is more likely up to your parents then to you....this isnt technically your house, I mean youre only twelve--," Severus stopped abruptly, " I got into a fight with my cousinI ran away....and....you were the only person who...came to mind."

"You walked here?" Severus nodded, "You walked here........without any money?" Severus nodded. Lucius scoffed, " Well that explains why you didn't call..." he said more to himself. Severus felt like smacking himself in the head, _not shit you blood twit._ Lucius leaned back in the sofa across from Severus, "You can stay hereif my parents have a problem with it then too bad, this house is as much mine as it is theirs, Lucius stood, Ill have Sir Dietrich set a room for you.....close to mine, incase you need anything," Lucius started to leave the parlor.

"Lucius!" He turn, "Im sorry...and thank you," Lucius just gave a head nod and continued walking.

"One more thing," Lucius stopped at the door, his back still to Severus, "Suppers at seven Ill make sure a...._proper_ outfit is picked out for you to wear"

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Thank you! Sorry this is king of wordy and kind of a boring chapter, but it gets better, I promise!


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